Episode One: Kitchen

*Living Room*

To the east lies the hallway.

To the west lies the balcony.

To the north lies the kitchen.

(To the south, the wide, wild world.) - Upon using keys.

[North]

Ah, the kitchen. The domestic nerve centre of the modern home.

A place for the modification and refinement of one form of caloric conveyance into another.

It sounds almost like some noble form of engineering.

...Until you see the ultimate result.

You try to spend as little time as possible here.

[Look]

You are in a mid-90s apartment kitchen. No larger than it need be. Near-completely constructed from plywood and veneer.

A refrigerator stands in the corner... vibrating.

The counter is lined with vitamins and supplements.

You cat sits atop the microwave, looking out the window. She doesn't acknowledge your presence.

The living room lies to the south.

[Look at vitamins]

Uppers, downers, bloopers, tinglers.

Not so much.

You've got your Fish Oils, your multivitamins, your additional Iron and Vitamin C.

You've got your experimental vitamins, your testosterone boosters, your 'energy enhancers'.

If you've got to suffer through this business, you'll suffer through it at peak efficiency.

[Use vitamins] - Adds [Your Enthusiasm] to inventory.

You take the vitamins. One or two or three of each of them. Swallowing them in handfuls with gulps of water direct from the faucet.

Well... you've done something. Whether it is good or bad, that remains to be seen.

Chew on a bit of newspaper, eat a spoonful of honey, and that'll about complete your dietary needs for the day. Theoretically.

[Use vitamins]

You doubt your heart could take any more vitamins. The B-12 alone threatens to blow the valves clean off that purple dynamo.

[Look at refrigerator]

You don't remember where you got it... you certainly didn't buy it. You'd sooner wrap a wooden box in wet hessian that go refrigerator shopping.

[Open refrigerator]

The refrigerator is open. Rejoice.


[Close refrigerator]

The refrigerator is closed.


[Open refrigerator]

The refrigerator is open. Rejoice.

[Look at refrigerator]

The refrigerator contains an array of condiments.... some milk... various half-opened tins, and a single apple.

[Look at apple]

A red apple. You don't know apple names. Some are red, some are green... maybe one is yellow. But they are all self-contained fructose-delivery systems of various states of deliciousness.


[Take apple]

You take the apple. It's cold. You have no idea why it was in the refrigerator.

[Use apple]

It's too early to eat. You need to keep light and agile in order to be prepared for the surprise attacks that lay in wait just outside your door.

Who will ambush you today??

The breeders?
The elderly?
The cripples?
The dark?
The light?
The hungry?
The obese?

Time will tell.

[Look at milk]

Of all the animal secretions in the world, you most enjoy milk.

You easily consume over a litre a day.

Have you ever seen a cow? They are enormous.

Is this correlated to milk? You are unsure.

But you aren't taking any chances.

[Use milk]

You take a long gulp of milk. Your stomach now feels adequately-lined. Thankyou, distant bovine friend. You have sustained me for another day.

[Use milk]

You are satisfied. Don't risk becoming over-satisfied. You may accidentally start a family or get a mortgage.

And that is one small step away from blowing your brains out in a department store changing room.

[Look at cat]

She is a good cat. Pretty by cat standards. White and orange and brown and black. A tortoiseshell.

Her stomach is disproportionately large compared to her body - a feature with its root in her ability to scratch your eyelids as you sleep unless you provide her with food.

She seems to be watching birds out the window. You certainly can't see them. But you trust that they are there.

[Pat cat] - adds [Your Charms] to inventory.

You pat the cat. She makes an unhappy noise but doesn't acknowledge your attention.

The tip of her tail begins to move back and forth, and you believe you have reached the tolerance limit for patting this cat.

[Pat cat]

You've probably given her enough attention for one sitting. One day her claws will hit a vein or such, and then it will be a bigger deal than just blotting out the blood with toilet tissue and ignoring it.


[South]